Friday, July 30, 2010
" no, i just have to come face to face with the fact that i.. am not gifted, you know, i can appreciate art and i love music, but its sad really, because i feel like i have a lot to express and i am not gifted."
"we came so close to perfection, you and i."
"she dozed restively but awoke at the darkest hour."
"her whole world looked black and all her plans had come to nothing. she overdosed."
"she was already thinking of herself as a kind of ex patriot not smothered by what she believed to be americas puritanical and materialistic culture that she had little patience for. she saw herself more a european soul in tune with thinkers and artists she felt expressed her tragic romantic free thinking view of life."
"for a brief moment of passion she completely abandons all notions of responsibility"
"what do you want in life besides a man with the right shorts? i dont know, im not gunna settle till i find what im looking for. hmm, which is what? something different, something more, some kind of counter intuitive love. meaning he i dont know i dont know what i want i only know what i dont want"
"the evening is romantic, the night is warm and balmy, we are alive, isnt that meaning enough?"
Friday, July 23, 2010
she had forgotten how peaceful it was at night. she loved the blackness everywhere out there. when she took time to ignore her usual rituals. she climbed out her window just then with the grace of an elephant. she sat outside to smoke a cigarette. a guilty pleasure of hers. at first the darkness scared her. the absence of sound and light surrounding her as she sat alone. her and her burning cigarette. after a minute or two realizing how quiet it was. really listening to see. wind blowing gently through the air. an electronic humming from the porch light next door. every once in awhile the whoosh of a car engine accelerating down the highway at the end of the street. but that was it. she imagined some one calling her name from a shadowy and exceedingly dark corner nearby. she would start. feeling the rush of adrenaline start from her middle and grow hotter and more restless as it reached her otherwise relaxed arms and legs, till it got to her head making her dizzy. she whipped around to search for who or what called her out from their dark hiding place. assuming she would see nothing she untensed her appendages and stood quickly to find out who interrupted her moment of meditation. she turned her head then her body and walked tenderly toward the origin of the noise feeling her weight on her sensitive feet move from ball to heel as she pressed down on the asphalt driveway. gravel turned to grass as she walked around the corner of her house setting off the motion sensor light. a ridiculous amount of light flooded her dilated pupils shocking her and causing temporary blindness. not before she saw who had called her turn away and... blinded she missed the secondary movement. a moment later after regaining vision he was gone. no face. no recognition. no idea who it could have been other than that he was a he. and that he was gone. obviously agile and quick. she wasn't scared, more angry that he had not stayed to explain his presence. why was he here? why did he call my name? why did he run? most people would find this dangerous and odd. she did not. she felt safe and sure that whoever it was meant no harm. maybe she was stupid. she sensed that may be the case. this was obviously leading no where so she turned away clicking her teeth in response to her exceeding curiosity. walked around the corner to her bedroom window and climbed back through, with more tact than before. closed the screen, opened the curtains , and dropped into bed where she laid for sometime before falling into a dream.
overwhelming regret and helplessness smothered her from her inside out. their lips parted for the last time. for how long she had no idea. it killed her. she could do nothing about it. he lived somewhere else. hours away. she couldn't even remember what state. Pennsylvania? and then she remembered where it was. she thought... he was about to leave. him and his friend. a nice guy, but an ass for taking him away. fuck. anger simmered in her chest. he was about to leave. it was almost two in the morning and he had just his intentions to leave. it caught her off guard. she had realized he was not staying that night. and she knew he was leaving town in the morning. she didn't even have tonight. she was so sad. the word sad didn't seem to describe it deeply enough. but upset seemed, well it seemed, perfect. she was upset he was not staying. he looked at her willfully communicating an apology. she tried to hide her pathetic disappointment. and smiled weakly.he had his coat on. that navy blue pea coat. they were standing in the hall by the door. he was stalling. he said he felt he was forgetting something. yea, me. she thought. he thought of nothing. but moved closer across the room towards her and further from his exit. alright well i guess were going he said as he looked at her again. the other two turned to walk away and she made her move across the room to hug him goodbye with secret intentions. she was in his arms now and he kissed her. a release after the palpable tension there had been leading up to his departure. it was sad and emotional for her. she wanted to stop from tearing up. she didn't care why she cared so much for him. the others walked down the stairs to give them privacy. their lips parted as they both smiled and laughed softly. they kissed for longer. a minute maybe. neither wanted to stop. she knew this. they stopped finally and he breathed softly into her face that it was nice meeting her and laughed at how odd it sounded. she laughed bitterly. it was nice meeting you too she replied awkwardly laughing. he said something and she turned away saying "fine leave." seriously (joking) she looked back. he was smiling at her. he scrambled for words. "come here" he said grabbing her coat and pulling her in again and kissing her. putting his hand around her back under her coat holding her there. putting his other hand on her neck, holding her face there caressing and playing with her boy short hair. another minute as she wrapped her arms around his waist. pressing herself up against him. someone called form downstairs in the front hall, "James!" a quiet growl rose up in her throat but she closed it off before it could be heard. the animalistic tendency to fly downstairs and rip out somebodies jugular she was fighting hard. he laughed ruefully and sad as he pulled away gently "i don't know when ill see you again, i might be back soon, i don't know. but ill see you when i come again." sorrowfully smiling. "okay", she said covering up. "ill see you," he said. "bye, ill see you," she said wistfully. he walked down the stairs to leave. why cant you stay here?! she yelled out in her thoughts hoping he would hear.
i hate you. even if you crawled back on your hands and knees. remorseful. used. jaded. i hope you die there on the ground. i hope you lose yourself. your spirits left to sleep. through that gaping hole in your black broken heart. you may think your happy now. you'll see even i can see from the outside now that your faking. its very hard to tell, only those who really know you can see it. its not all you. your gone. you've slipped away. you've slept. even i don't recognize who is left. you've got no voice. scream out to wake up from what you've done. don't follow the beat of that fucking drum. don't you know what you've lost? how great you were? how much he cost? i wont save you. fall into the deep darkness never to be forgave.
hide and seek. who and what. who is hiding? what am i seeking? i feel lost in a sweeping black drape. scents and memories tumble over under the weight of the dragging chain. tumbling across the floor rolling over and over like stones in the sand brushed over by waves. hide and seek. waves and sand. back and forth they chase each other. like children that never grow old or tire of the game. waves running back into hiding. its their ocean. bits of sand lost in the chase. slowly seeking and disappearing. a stupid game. people running back and forth never tiring. i must believe there's more above us and below. this vicious cycle cant be it. time will fade away, turn its back, disappear. the cycle will die. leaving us hiding. but who is seeking?
People change is the vaguest and truest statement ever stated. perhaps the most obvious and inconsequential until you are forced to watch helplessly as someone you love becomes that person and becomes that change. then that statement is raw and mean, real , and hurtful. insulted you would feel that someone dared speak those words so nonchalantly as words of encouragement. when those two words in reality fucked up your world forever. everyday you think "would it be like this forever? is it really over?" in denial you tell yourself no everyday. over and over lying to yourself. avoiding the truth. but every night in sleep you cry and curled up in a ball you hold yourself together physically so mentally you wouldn't fall apart.
His jaw clenched down harder and his teeth sunk into her smooth warm neck as she breathed harder with pleasure. why does that make me want him so badly? she thought. not really a full thought, as a picture flying through her mind in the realm of thoughts your not really thinking, where only the natural est of questions reach the surface. he kissed her neck and she welcomed the slowing in a rush of feelings. she was enjoying this far too much. she wasn't thinking indifferently. she knew he wanted more and horrified she knew that so did she. before she could ruminate on her last thought he moved up to her mouth and but her bottom lip sucking all the blood to the surface. he lipped his hand slowly under the small of her back and pulled her up against him as he moved his hand up.he was on top of her now. her legs wrapped around him on either side slowly caressing his calves and thighs. he kissed her harder and pushed his weight on her pressing his pelvis into hers. something like cold diamond butterflies flew from the pit of her stomach out of her throat forcing her to gasp for air at the onslaught rush a feelings.